The Blood, Book 1: Rubedo- Chapter 2, Third Draft

Chapter 2: Cops

The officer came plodding down the stairs a few minutes later, defeat upon his reddened face.

“What’s wrong?” Nicholas asked, trying to restrain his smile. The cop’s shoulders sagged, his eyes full of disappointment.

“She’s not up there,” the cop said, his voice mopey and unprofessional. “Some of your windows were open; she must have climbed out of one. She’s long gone by now.”

Nicholas nodded, turning around and heading towards the kitchen.

“Would you like something to drink? You look thirsty.”

Glancing back, Nicholas saw the officer give him a thumbs-up, before collapsing into the armchair in the living room.

What an idiot. I bet if my windows hadn’t been open already because of the heat, he still would have thought she escaped somehow. I really hope this guy isn’t a good representative of the rest of our cops.

In the kitchen, Nicholas grabbed a glass from the cabinet and popped open the fridge. Sitting right on the top shelf was a half-empty jug of red Kool-Aid.

“Perfect.”

Taking the jug and closing the fridge, he got some ice from the freezer, and poured the Kool-Aid into the glass. Then, shifting his eyes to make sure that the cop wasn’t looking, he drew the vial from his pocket, uncorked it, and poured it all into the glass.

The two red liquids became one. To be safe, Nicholas added a spoonful of sugar and stirred it in. If it was too sweet, that was better than the officer tasting something else.

Certain his tampering was unnoticeable, Nicholas picked up the glass and walked into the living room. The cop was still sitting down, looking at the floor with a tired frown.

“Here,” Nicholas said, offering the glass. The cop looked up at him with narrowed eyes, but snatched the glass and downed half of it in just a few seconds. Grimacing, he handed it back to Nicholas.

“Too sweet,” he said. Then he let out a loud belch and stretched his arms. Nicholas went back to the kitchen quickly, afraid the cop would notice something strange.

Not as if he’s that observant.

Nicholas had not forgotten the girl. There was no way out of the basement, which was the only reason Nicholas let her hide there. He didn’t want her getting away. By the time he had carried out the plot with the drink, he had decided what to do with her.

He turned to place the glass in the sink, but something was wrong. The sink looked far away. No, actually, it felt far away too.

Then, a sudden weakness rippled through Nicholas’s legs, and he collapsed to his knees. He didn’t want to drop the glass; the cop would hear it. So he set it down on the tiled floor, just before his arms gave out.

He had to turn his head to avoid smacking his face on the floor as the rest of his body dropped with a thud. But he couldn’t cry out in pain, because nothing hurt. The only sensation in his body was a lightheaded tingling, starting in his brain and rolling down through his chest and limbs. At his toes and fingertips, it blossomed into the feeling of having more, of his body extending beyond its normal length. His hands and feet felt longer, his whole body telling him that it was greater than before.

Then all the tingling and power shot back, sucked from his body back into his brain. The euphoria was gone, and the feeling of the floor returned. Air rushed into his lungs as he gasped, his eyes darting around the kitchen, trying to make sense of what happened to him.

He stopped. There, nestled in his brain, was a tiny, pleasurable buzz.

Smiling, Nicholas climbed to his feet. Even after what had just happened, his body didn’t feel any different. No worse, no better. All that had changed was his mind.

“Officer,” Nicholas called into the other room. A few seconds later, the cop walked into the room, his face beaming.

“Yes?” the cop asked. He sounded expectant, excited.

Nicholas held out his hand.

“Give me your gun,” he ordered.

Without hesitation, the officer grabbed the gun at his side and placed it in Nicholas’s open palm. Slowly, Nicholas wrapped his fingers around grip, feeling the weapon in his hands and knowing it was nothing compared to the power that had given it to him.

“Thank you,” he chuckled, handing the gun back. The officer put it away and continued to stand silent, his eyes begging for orders.

“Officer,” Nicholas said, pacing around the man, “I want you to leave my house. Go back and report to your superiors. Tell them you never found the girl, but you think she has left town and is headed towards the city. After that, go on with your life as you normally would.”

The cop nodded just once, then turned on the spot and walked briskly to the front door. As Nicholas watched the cop fumble with the locks, he remembered something.

Look back at me and say “Goodbye, Master.”

The cop froze just as the last lock came undone, turned around, and spoke in a clear and respectful voice.

“Goodbye, Master.”

Nicholas laughed. Go ahead with your previous orders, then.

The officer left, the door creaking shut behind him. Now came the risky part, but Nicholas had to test it. Focusing on the buzzing, he terminated it and waited.

The cop did not return. A few seconds later Nicholas heard the sound of a car starting up and driving off.

Nicholas just stood in the middle of the room, chuckling to himself.

It works, it works, it really works! This is amazing! It does work on humans! Not only verbal commands, but he obeys my thoughts as well! If that wasn’t enough, just like the animals he keeps obeying a given order even after I sever the control! It’s so perfect!

All perfect except for one thing. Nicholas looked back at the kitchen and frowned, recalling the sensation of losing all control of his body but not caring. That had never happened before with any of the animals. Was it something that only happened when he controlled humans? Was it dangerous for him?

There were still many more questions than answers, but this was a phenomenal step, and the only way to answer those questions would be to take the next one. Calming himself down, Nicholas walked over to the basement door and opened it.

“You can come up now!” he called. A few seconds later the girl appeared at the bottom of the steps, staring up at Nicholas with wide, uncertain eyes.

“I got rid of him. He left.”

The girl climbed the stairs, not breaking eye contact with Nicholas. There was something strange about the way her eyes stared at him, and they made it very hard for Nicholas to look away.

Finally she reached him, looking very confused as to what to do next. Nicholas stood back to give her room to leave the basement doorway, but she idled on the top step, refusing to look away from him.

“What?” Nicholas asked.

That seemed to snap the girl out of her trance. She stepped past Nicholas into the living room and looked around for a second, before turning to Nicholas and smiling at him.

“Thanks,” she said. “Sorry, I just figured most people would freak and rat out someone running from the police.” She looked down at her feet, her expression becoming difficult to read. “Anyway, I’d better get going.”

“Hold on a second,” Nicholas said, reaching out and grabbing her arm, “if you need a place to stay, you can stay here for a while.”

The girl’s mouth dropped open slowly, her wide eyed stare returning, even bigger than before.

“Seriously?” she asked. Nicholas nodded. “Well, that’s just a bit too nice of you. What’s the catch?”

Nicholas let go of her hand now that she was listening.

“I just need you to do a few things for me, that’s all. You’re perfect for what I have in mind.”

The girl raised one eyebrow and frowned.

“I’m not having sex with you.”

Now it was Nicholas’s turn to stare open mouthed. The girl’s face betrayed no humor in her words.

“That wasn’t what I had in mind,” Nicholas said after a moment. The girl’s eyes widened even further, if that were possible.

“Okay then, whatever it is, we have a deal!”

She extended her hand, and Nicholas shook it, although now his thoughts were preoccupied with something else.

She’ll make the deal without knowing what it is, as long as it doesn’t involve sex? Is there something wrong with me?

“You can stop shaking now,” the girl said. Embarrassed, Nicholas let go and slid his hand back into his pocket. There, he touched the empty glass vial and remembered what he had to do.

“Anyway,” he said, thinking about the perfect way to make his proposal, “follow me upstairs, and I’ll tell you what I need.”

The girl nodded, and then suddenly blurted out, “My name’s Eileen.”

The air of expectation left by that introduction made Nicholas uncomfortable. It sounded like she was almost desperate to introduce herself.

“Well Eileen, my name is Nicholas. Nice to meet you.”

A big smile sprung onto Eileen’s face, something that Nicholas couldn’t help but notice was very cute. Looking away and grumbling, he walked to the stairs and climbed them to his room, Eileen right behind him.

“Where are we going?” she asked.

“My room.”

“I told you no sex. That includes everything sex related, like blowjobs and-”

“You know,” Nicholas interrupted, stopping halfway up the steps and looking back at her, “you’re the only person saying anything about sex.”

Eileen froze, her eyes finding something interesting by her feet. “Um, well, what else am I supposed to think? This isn’t a very common situation, and a lot of people would take advantage of it in certain ways.”

“Well, I won’t, so don’t worry about it,” Nicholas said.

They reached his room, but when Nicholas opened the door, he remembered that he hadn’t cleaned it yet.

“Nice room.”

Eileen was being polite. There was nothing wrong with the room itself; decent size, one window behind the desk with a nice view of the street, and a pretty comfortable bed. He had a small little closet for all the nice clothes he didn’t wear, and there was even a ceiling fan which he had left on due to the weather.

The problem was the discarded pairs of jeans and shirts scattered across the unvacuumed floor, the paper plates, cups, and food crumbs that peppered his desk, and the waste bin that was long overdue for emptying.

At least that air freshener hanging from the fan helps a bit.

Nicholas let Eileen in first and closed the door behind them. Watching her maneuver around the junk on the floor to sit down on the bed, he got to his knees and began to scoop all the clothes into a pile.

“So, what exactly are we going to be doing?” Eileen asked.

Nicholas opened his mouth to answer, but while he grabbed a shirt lying next to Eileen’s feet, he noticed for the first time that she was barefoot. Like the rest of her, her feet were dirty, but Nicholas also saw that they were bruised and bleeding.

“Jesus,” he said. “How long have you been on the run?”

“Uh, a few weeks,” Eileen said, rubbing her feet together. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Nicholas said as he got to his feet. “You’re welcome to use my bathroom and get cleaned up. It’s just across the hall.”

Eileen looked at his door for a second, then nodded and smiled.

“Thank you.” She got up and walked out, leaving Nicholas standing in the middle of his room with a mound of tangled jeans in his arms.

Stepping out into the hallway, he waited until he could hear the hiss of running water from the shower before he headed downstairs for the laundry room. He still had no idea why the police were after her, and he didn’t feel entirely safe leaving her alone with his stuff, but as long as she was in the shower she couldn’t do much damage. Besides, even if she hadn’t been complaining, she looked liked she needed it. Nicholas would have felt bad for not giving her the offer.

There was no need to do the laundry at the moment, so when Nicholas reached the laundry room he just dropped the clothes in front of the washer and ran back upstairs. The shower was still running.

Nicholas spent the next fifteen minutes cleaning and vacuuming his room. It was a pain, having to head back down the stairs to toss every load of trash, as well as having to lug the vacuum upstairs, but the alternative of having this girl staying with him in a messy room seemed far worse.

After everything was clean and swept, Nicholas returned the vacuum downstairs, making sure to grab his notebook off the dining table. When he got back to his room, he noticed that the shower had stopped. He went into his room to wait, sitting down on the bed, but that was when he realized that Eileen didn’t have any clothes to change into.

He went to open his closet, figuring his clothes would be better than nothing. Just as he grabbed the handle, the door burst open. Something shot out and slammed into Nicholas, knocking him down onto his bed. Dazed, he laid there for a few moments trying to figure out what happened, before he sat up and stared at his assailant.

Eileen was down on the floor next to Nicholas’s desk, laughing at him, her hair still wet from the shower. She wore some of his clothes: a pair of jeans and a blue long-sleeved shirt. The shirt, which had always been a bit too big for Nicholas, hung past the length of Eileen’s arms.

“What the hell are you laughing about?” Nicholas demanded. Her eyes flickered open back to that unique stare as she attempted to suppress her giggling. She raised one arm, sleeve dangling, to point at the closet.

“I didn’t think you’d be standing right outside the closet when I came out,” she explained. “Sorry I hit you and everything, but it’s still pretty funny.”

Nicholas could not wrap his mind around what she was talking about.

“Why’d you jump out like that? For that matter, what were you doing in there anyway?”

“Uh, dressing myself.” She gave the shirt a tug. “I looked around real quick, but you don’t have a sister apparently. So I figured your clothes would have to do.”

“So you locked yourself in the closet?”

“Well, yeah. I didn’t want you to see me naked, and it wouldn’t have been fair to lock you out of your own room. I compromised.” Then she smiled, as if that explanation made everything alright.

“Unbelievable,” Nicholas muttered to himself. Eileen tilted her head and grinned, then scrambled to her feet and jumped onto the bed next to him.

“Sooo,” she said as she crouched on his pillow, “what do you need me to do?”

Trying his best to ignore her, Nicholas opened his notebook and flipped to the newest page.

“What’s that?” Eileen asked, as she began to chew on one of her thumbnails.

“Uh, it’s my notes I’ve taken on past experiments,” Nicholas said, eying her with a sense of unease.

“Experiments?” she asked. “So we’re experimenting? With what?”

“Well, I have to kind of explain what I can do first.”

“Alright, what can you do?”

Taking a deep breath, sure he was going to be ridiculed, Nicholas cleared his throat and opened his mouth.

Then he remembered his last vial was still downstairs, in his suitcase. Without that, she wouldn’t believe him.

That gave him a better idea. He reached under his bed and drew out a bowl covered in red stains. This was the same bowl he had always used for preparing the other vials. Inside the bowl was a small straight razor. Eileen gave it a strange look but said nothing.

Nicholas pulled the empty vial from his pocket and set it in the bowl. Then he lifted the straight razor and drew back his shirt sleeve.

“Hey, wait a second!” Eileen said, fear flooding her eyes.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine,” Nicholas assured her. Gritting his teeth, he drew the razor horizontally across his wrist. Sharp pain stung him, and he winced as his bright red blood began to flow out of his wrist and drip into the bowl. Dropping the razor, he grabbed the vial and held it under the wound. The blood began to collect in the vial, filling it back up just as it had been a half-hour ago. He corked the vial, satisfied.

“You’re gonna’ bleed to death,” Eileen whispered. Nicholas shook his head, smiling through the pain.

“No. Watch.”

Eileen leaned in closer, joining Nicholas in staring at his wound. At first, the blood just kept flowing, dripping into the bowl and pooling in a red circle. Soon, however, the flow of blood began to thin, and then stopped altogether. Nicholas enjoyed the look on Eileen’s face as he rubbed the blood away from the wound to reveal that there was no wound at all. It had completely healed up, not even leaving a scar.

“How did you do that?” Eileen asked, grabbing his arm and bringing her eyes close to examine the nonexistent wound.

“I told you,” Nicholas said, “it’s what I can do. And it’s not just that.”

He grabbed the vial now filled with blood and dangled it in front of Eileen’s face.

“You want to know how I got rid of that cop?” he asked, unable to hold back his grin. “I gave him a drink with some of this in it. That’s what my blood does. If a living thing ingests it, they fall completely under my control. I can command them to do whatever I want, and they obey without question.”

Eileen let go of his arm, her emotions difficult to discern. Nicholas set the vial down in the bowl and placed it on his bedside table. Then he stared right into Eileen’s eyes, to make certain she understood him.

“That’s what we will be testing. I’m not sure yet what the limits of my power are. So you’re going to be my test subject.”

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
EL FINITO
Comment

I must confess wat am mostly intrested in is beautiful stories i believe d wordings can always b worked out. And for ur story line u did just fine PM me wen u bring out the next chapter i can wait

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Twit
Review
Twit wrote a review · Thu Nov 26, 2009 12:13 pm

Dude, this is so incredibly long that I’m going to have to split it in two as I might not get a chance to finish it all. Can you post the next parts in smaller instalments, plz?


The officer came plodding down the stairs a few minutes later, defeat upon his reddened face.

“What’s wrong?” Nicholas asked, trying to restrain his smile. The cop’s shoulders sagged, his eyes full of disappointment .

“She’s not up there,” the cop said, his voice mopey and unprofessional.


There’s a bit too much description in this part. Description is good, and I do like it, it’s just that it doesn’t flow together that well. I think you could take out the second bolded part and change the third. Less is more, and all that. “Mopey” isn’t a word, according to my spell check, and “unprofessional” is rather vague. Try something like, “She’s not up there,” the cop growled, using a verb to show rather than adjectives to tell.


Nicholas nodded, turning around and heading towards the kitchen.

“Would you like something to drink? You look thirsty.”


These should be in the same paragraph as they’re the same person talking and doing the action.


In the kitchen, Nicholas grabbed a glass from the cabinet and popped open the fridge. Sitting right on the top shelf was a half-empty jug of red Kool-Aid.

“Perfect.”


Less is more. I think you should take out that bit of dialogue. If he has a cop in his living room, he’s not about to go talking to himself about diabolical plans he’s making, and it’s weird to have him talk to himself when he’s not alone.


The cop was still sitting down, looking at the floor with a tired frown.


This is only a personal nitpick, but I don’t like sentences like this in prose that rhyme. :mrgreen:


The cop looked up at him with narrowed eyes, but snatched the glass and downed half of it in just a few seconds.


Why? Is he suspicious? Why? Before he seemed perfectly friendly.


Then, a sudden weakness rippled through Nicholas’s legs, and he collapsed to his knees.


This would be stronger if you took out the “then”.


He didn’t want to drop the glass; the cop would hear it. So he set it down on the tiled floor, just before his arms gave out.

He had to turn his head to avoid smacking his face on the floor as the rest of his body dropped with a thud.


He’s thinking very clearly for a collapsing person?


He stopped. There, nestled in his brain, was a tiny, pleasurable buzz.


Nicely written sentence. :D


“Officer,” Nicholas called into the other room. A few seconds later, the cop walked into the room, his face beaming.


Why?


“Yes?” the cop asked. He sounded expectant, excited.


Why?


Slowly, Nicholas wrapped his fingers around grip, feeling the weapon in his hands and knowing it was nothing compared to the power that had given it to him.


Missed word.


Look back at me and say “Goodbye, Master.”


You need something to set this apart from the narrative. If you don’t want to use quite marks, italics or bold or something, but it’s too unclear just left on its own.


The girl’s mouth dropped open slowly, her wide eyed stare returning, even bigger than before.

“Seriously?” she asked. Nicholas nodded. “Well, that’s just a bit too nice of you. What’s the catch?”


Mm, bit unrealistic dialogue – and reaction. Try saying/doing it out loud and find something else.


The girl raised one eyebrow and frowned.

“I’m not having sex with you.”


:lol:
These two sentences need to be in the same paragraph.


“That wasn’t what I had in mind,” Nicholas said after a moment. The girl’s eyes widened even further, if that were possible.


Her eyes are starting to annoy me a bit. Sorry.


“I told you no sex. That includes everything sex related, like blowjobs and-”


O_O Man, I think you need a higher rating on this. *checks* ANY rating would be a plus.


The problem was the discarded pairs of jeans and shirts scattered across the unvacuumed floor, the paper plates, cups, and food crumbs that peppered his desk, and the waste bin that was long overdue for emptying.


Apparently, not a word.


Watching her maneuver around the junk on the floor to sit down on the bed, he got to his knees and began to scoop all the clothes into a pile.


I’m assuming that’s the Yank spelling, and it shouldn’t be “manoeuvre”?


“Jesus,” he said. “How long have you been on the run?”


Yup, higher rating needed.


“What’s that?” Eileen asked, as she began to chew on one of her thumbnails.


She’s very at ease when she’s only just been told that she’s safe with him. Weird character trait aside, I think a bit more distrust might be more realistic.


Alright, what can you do?”


Two words = all right.


“You’re gonna bleed to death,” Eileen whispered.


You don’t need that apostrophe.


~

Okay, so it wasn’t that long after all, lol. Still, it looked very long, so you might want to cut down on the length. So! I really enjoyed this, although I think it might be better off in Fantasy Fiction rather than Action/Adventure.

The things I think you need to work on are showing character motives. The behaviour of the cop seemed rather unrealistic and unpredictable – he changed from grumpy to friendly to suspicious. I like Eileen’s character; she’s funny and quirky, but she seems a bit too trusting of Nicholas. I know he comments on it, but she begins by being suspicious, then she suddenly goes to the opposite extreme and bounces out at him from inside his closet.

Apart from that, and fixing the rating, I don’t think there’s much else! Keep writing!



The most important thing is to have fun! Stress makes for distress and neither of those belong in writing!
— Kaia